Why You Should Make a Wedding To-Don’t List

When you get engaged, the first things you think about are the 5 Ws and H – who, what, when, where, why, and how.

You may not think of it in that way, but that’s really what you’re considering.

Who you want at the wedding, what you want, when you want it, where you want it, why you want it and how you’re going to make it happen.

It’s certainly something I’ve talked about before with regard to your vision and laying the foundation for your wedding.

Because the discussion around those questions is important.

And it really does lay the framework for your planning.

But the longer I’ve been doing this (16 years and counting!), the more I find that while it’s important to think about what you want, it’s equally important to think about what you don’t want.

Because sometimes what you want or what you like is hard to explain. Sometimes what you want is vague or fuzzy. Or perhaps you don’t really know what you want.

But almost always, you can name the things you don’t want or don’t like or don’t care for.

It’s funny how that works, but it’s true!

We know the things that make us crinkle our noses or make a face.

We know what we want to avoid.

And that’s helpful!

Because knowing what you DON’T want can make it a lot easier to figure out what you DO want.

It’s like picking something to eat for dinner.

Sometimes you know exactly what you want to eat. But many times, it’s easier to think about all the things you don’t want to eat and then see what’s left.

And based on what’s left, you can choose the best option.

Wedding planning is not all that different.

I read an article recently in the New York Times about creating a to-don’t list for the holidays.

The holidays come with so many traditions and expectations that your to-do list can look and feel CRAZY.

There’s so much to buy, make, put together, and plan for. There’s hosting and parties, cooking, gifts, and people (both family and friends) to think about.

It’s why people get so stressed out and overwhelmed. It’s also why some people dread this time of year.

While it’s meant to be a joyous time of year, it’s also full of expectations and pressure.

Sound familiar?

It should.

Because the holidays are not unlike weddings.

While you don’t get married every year, there are lots of traditions (familial, cultural, religious…), huge expectations, and way more pressure.

The idea behind creating a to-don’t list for the holidays is to allow you to reduce the crazy AND help you focus on what you actually care about.

It’s a way to let go of thinking about what you “should” do and ask yourself what you actually want to do.  

And I think this concept is not only genius, but also SO useful for weddings.

So today I’m introducing you to the wedding to-don’t list.

7 Steps to Make Your Wedding To-Don’t List

While you can do this alone, I highly encourage you to do this exercise with your partner. It will make for an interesting discussion and allow you to move forward more quickly.

And when you jot your thoughts down, it will help with not only the creation of your wedding to-don’t list (the nope list), but your to-do list (the yup list) as well!

Step #1: Think about the things you care most about

Although we’re making a to-don’t list, we actually need to start with what you want, with what matters most to you.

So, ask yourself, what’s important to you about the wedding? What do you really care about?

If you ignore all the expectations and norms, what actually matters to you?

This could be one thing or many things.

But this isn’t something you should have to think hard about.

It should be the things you know in your mind, heart, body, and soul that are important to you.

Because these things are crucial.

These are the must-haves.

For example, this might be having your grandparents at your wedding, or having a small, intimate wedding, or getting married at your family home, or creating a sustainable wedding.

When you discuss this with your partner, talk about your answers and, most importantly, WHY these things are important.

The why will get you thinking even more and allow you to nail down what you care about at your core.

For example, if you want an intimate wedding, the why might be that you want to spend time with each person. And that might be important because you want them to know how much you love them.

Keep in mind that your answers might be about your wedding, but might also be about wedding planning.

Both are important to talk about.

Step #2: Think about the things you don’t care about

Now that you’ve established what matters to you, it’s time to think about what you don’t care about.

Even if you’ve never thought about your wedding before, you probably have some feelings about weddings or wedding planning.

There are bound to be things you don’t care about or don’t care for.

These things could be very specific or very general, but they tend to be more specific.

For example, maybe you don’t care for the formal wedding “program” or you don’t care about flowers.

Think about all the things that don’t matter to you, that you couldn’t care less about.

These are the meh things.

These are the things that might make you shrug or wave a hand at.

When you discuss these items with your partner, also talk about the why. It can uncover other thoughts and feelings and help you in the process of setting priorities.

Because these items are super low priority or even zero priority.

Step #3: Think about what you want to avoid

So you know what matters and what doesn’t. Now it’s time to think about what you want to avoid, or in other words, what you don’t want.

Where the previous list was about things you don’t care about, these are the things you kind of detest.

These are the things that cause you to scrunch up your face and shake your head because you absolutely do not want this.

For example, it could be looking out at your guests and not recognizing half the group or having to make all your centerpieces the night before, or eating a terrible meal.

These are all the ugh things.

And once again, these could be things about the wedding, but they could also be about the planning process.

It could be a physical thing or a situational one.

What you’re thinking about here is what you don’t want to happen or have.

And when you talk about what you don’t want to happen or have, things will come up that you do want to happen or have.

So, make sure you discuss and jot those down as well.

Step #4: Think about what stresses you out

You should have a decent list of things by now, but we’re going to take this a little further.

I want you to think about what stresses you out about the wedding. What fills you with dread?

What are the things that feel impossibly difficult, time-consuming or white hair-inducing?

Because the meh stuff and the ugh stuff are different from the ahhh! stuff.

For example, this might be figuring out how to design your wedding or how best to make your budget work or managing your parents.

These are the things that make you want to run away and elope (nothing wrong with that, by the way) or cry or hurl or scream into a pillow.

Because these are the things that you can’t necessarily avoid.

But never fear, you can do something about it! More on that soon…

Step #5: Organize your lists

If you’ve been jotting things down as you go along, you should have a good list of thoughts, even if it doesn’t quite make total sense yet.

Don’t worry, that’s what we’re going to start to do now!

So take a look at what you have written down and start separating the items into a nope list and a yup list (if you haven’t already).

So the nope list, should be all the things you don’t want or don’t care about or what stresses you out.

The yup list should be what’s important to you and what you want.

First, eliminate any duplicates that appear on both lists.

For example, you might have no wedding party on both lists because it’s something you don’t want and something you do want.

Once you’ve done that, look at each line item and see if it’s something you can easily do or not do.

For example, if you don’t care about flowers, that’s a pretty easy item not to do.

It’s straightforward in what it is, even if it might require you to think about alternative options (e.g. greenery, other decor, choosing a design-forward or naturally beautiful venue…).

In contrast, a less straightforward example would be how to make your budget work. You still need a budget, so that doesn’t really go in the nope list.

So, if the item is easy and straightforward, leave it on your list.

If it isn’t, move it to a new list, a “needs more thought” list.

Go through your lists until you’ve moved everything under the right lists.

Step #6: Make your lists actionable

So now it’s time to tackle your needs-more-thought list.

This list will likely include things that are just a feeling (I don’t want to feel uncomfortable), or a broad concept (I worry that things will go wrong), or something you can’t really eliminate (a budget).

So we need to make sense of those items.

Because we want your lists to be actionable!

So you can take them and use them to help guide your planning forward.

So, take a look at each item and ask yourself these questions:

• Why do you feel this way?
• What’s important about this and why?
• What would you need to make this go away or happen?
• Who can help you with this? Someone you know? Someone you can hire (like a planner, for instance)?
• Can you simplify this?
• Is there something you can let go of or something you can add, in order to make this easier?

These questions will help you dial in on your answers. And in turn, it will help you figure out what these things actually mean.

And that will help lead to more concrete actions and possibilities.

For example, a concern about not knowing how to make your budget work might end up with hiring a planner to help, or going with an all-inclusive option, or simplifying with a micro wedding.

Based on what you come up with, you should be able to take these items off the needs more thought list and put the more concrete action/option on either the nope or yup list.

Step #7: Figure out your next steps

Now that you have your to-don’t list (the nopes) and your to-do list (the yups), it’s time to use these lists to help you plan your wedding and take your next steps.

Simply by reading the two lists, a clearer picture should be forming of the wedding you want to create.

But also very likely, the vision you see may require more discussion around options or speaking to your parents about their expectations and what’s important to you.

There may be some conflict there, particularly around the to-don’t list.

Or perhaps there might need to be more discussion between you and your partner.

That’s ok!

It’s normal for there to be some conflict and differences of opinion.

These are areas where you may need to compromise or come up with a different solution, or let go of a notion of what something needs to be.

But don’t forget that these are things that are important to you.

You don’t need to give them up!

You may just need to shift what that looks like or how something is done.

The beauty is that there is almost always a solution!

It just might take a little bit of time to figure out what that is.

But when you do, it will be amazing!

No matter where you end up with your lists, take them and use them to figure out what comes next and what you need to do (and don’t do), to make your wedding vision happen.

Remember, the goal of this exercise is to create the wedding you really want by letting go of all the “shoulds” and focusing on what you actually care about.

The to-don’t list helps to make that real so that planning your wedding can be both more meaningful AND easier.

It is a different way to think about your wedding and your wedding planning.

But it can also be a great way to ensure this experience is a happy one.

So, give it a try!

I think you’ll be surprised by how much this can help you.

It will help to refine your vision or create it.

It will give you the opportunity to discuss things you may not have really thought about before.

And it will give you the chance to really make your wedding yours.

And who doesn’t want that?!

I hope you’ll give it a shot! And if you’re looking for more help or guidance, please get in touch.